Hey guys!
As you read in my last post that I have been struggling a little with my CF. Well, I thought I would write about how I've been feeling because I know some of my CF family can either relate or have helped me through these two weeks.
Well..I'm not going to sugar coat it..I've struggled and I've been in horrible pain. Most of my blog is quite positive towards my CF and how I deal with it..well I'm going to warn you that this post isn't going to be positive..its gonna be harsh..reality..and most of all very personal so if you don't want to read about how I have suffered then I suggest you stop reading now.
So these last two weeks I have been on such a huge downer. Loads and loads of things have been going through my head..none of which are good things. I will start with my attitude to friends. My friends have always been amazing when it comes to my CF, always there for me and I love them for that. But I have really pushed everyone away these past two weeks because what is the point of putting your friends through the stress about worrying about you? or the stress of hanging round with the "sick" girl, now I know that my friends have never thought that but I cant help but think it. Then I shall move onto relationships..I had an amazing relationship for nearly two years and he was there for me throughout my transplant and when I had to go on a ventilator for my breathing, I will not take that away from him because I owe him my life for that but right now I cant be in a relationship, not because I don't want to be but because I don't want to put anyone through the emotional roller-coaster that is my life. I don't want them to watch me suffer like my family do, that is hard enough for me to deal with. I hate seeing the look on my mums face every time I get sick..it rips me apart. I never tell her that because she is my mum and she loves me very much. I have to be "brave" around my family and friends because I hate being the one who is seen as weak, seen as vulnerable. I cant deal with that. So when I'm sick I put on a shell and get on with it..that is all I've ever known to do. I don't want my partner to see me without any make up or looking rough on a hospital bed because to me a girlfriend is gorgeous..well..when I'm sick I am far from that!
This bit is going to hurt most of you so please stop reading if your already nearly in tears.
The last part of my feelings these two weeks have made me over think and I've come to the conclusion that I am a ticking death sentence. I don't ever think this when I am well but when I am down I am really down. CF shortens your life..so in theory it is a death sentence. Not a death sentence that completely punishes you because of course you can have good times and be happy but when your sick with CF you are really sick..any person who doesn't have CF and gets a cold or a cough..it will go in a week or two...mine goes in about a month or more. Sometimes it is so hard to deal with but I get on with it because thats what I do. I survive. I'm so grateful for my twitter CF family, they have spoken to me and got me through and urged me to carry on.. Thank god for social networking!
Sorry for such a depressing blog but I thought you ought to know how I feel when I get sick!
Thanks for reading!
Grace xx
No comments:
Post a Comment