The point where I'm at now

Ok so basically I wanted to get this out there...
for those of you that have read my blog and seen my experiences you have come to realize that I am quite strong minded...well recently that strong minded person has been struck down.. maybe its because I have a really bad cold and a nasty cough but that doesn't stop my mind from ticking over. Recently I have been thinking a lot more about my CF and what the future holds for me..well the truth is, I dont actually know. I've read blogs and seen stories recently that have made me stop and think twice about who and what I am, for example I take the little things I do everyday for granted like go to college or work placement without a care in the world or a realization that one day I may not be able to do that...I've never really stopped and thought about it because I've always thought that I would pull through and always be stronger because thats all I've ever done. It's only recently hit me that Cystic Fibrosis is a degenerative illness (I don't like using the word desease, because im not contagious) and that one day I may be perminately really sick! I'm actually scared, like really scared about this...as a matter of fact it worries me everyday of my life. Not only does it affect me, it affects my friends and family. They are the ones who have to sit there and watch me go through so much pain and they can't do anything about it! it hurts me so much :/ Its very hard for me when I get really sick because all I want to do is sit there and cry, obviously I dont, because I hate showing my emotions about my illness infront of people in case I upset them or they blame themselves for what I go through, and that is the last thing I ever want to happen. It's no ones fault that I have Cystic Fibrosis, recently I've read that people blame their parents...I think that is totally unfair and wrong in my personal opinion. It's not their fault that they are carriers, most of the parents are like my parents, they didn't even no they were carriers! So why blame them? I'd hate to think that my mum or dad blames themself for me! Now that would really break my heart! but that doesn't change the fact that when I'm sick I hate people seeing me so vunerable and weak, it just makes me feel very uncomfortable.


Thanks for reading :)
P.s Sorry for the rant x