Hey guys!
My blog update today is gonna be completely un-cf related but I want to blog it because it is important to me and the way I am feeling. First of all I would like to say that most things on the cf side of things are ok apart from my stomach. The bo-tox really hasn't helped and it has been causing me a lot of pain but apart from that everything else is hunky dory.
So my blog today is gonna be about love and how it has changed me perception on life and life surroundings.
Love is a difficult subject for me because I genuinely find it hard to trust people and let them into my life because I have been hurt so many times I cant actually count on one hand. Of course I am not completely innocent and I am sure some of the people that have come into my life wish they hadn't. I used to let people into my life and trust them straight away because I didn't know that they were gonna hurt me. I've been cheated on and I can tell you now it absolutely kills you. It makes you think that you are worthless and that you aren't good enough for anyone because they obviously found someone better. At the moment I really don't want a relationship, not because I wouldn't want someone to be there and to have a laugh with I just don't think I can cope with getting hurt again. Sometimes I think that people go off me because they realise what my health issues entail and can't cope with how much time and effort it consumes out of my life, I know I shouldn't think like that because I am sure that isn't the case but I can't help it sometimes. When I love someone I don't ever stop because that way my heart doesn't hurt but it can be hard especially when your feelings come back for someone. When you love someone with all your heart and soul that feeling will never disappear and they can hurt you a million times but your love for them will never change. I guess that is why I find it hard to let people in because I am always worried that they will never feel the same for me as I do for them. My relationship I had when I was going through my transplant and when I was ventilated was amazing, best relationship I have ever had because we understood each other and we got on so well. I can never take away what he done for me because he saved me and got me through some pretty horrendous times. I guess it just faded like most things do but my feelings for him will never change. To be honest I am surprised he stuck around, most guys when they see the slightest signs of danger bugger off because they are scared to face up to it. I guess that is stereotyping a little but its the experiences I have had. I am glad for those memories and I am glad that someone was there for me when I really needed it but I still can't bring myself to have a relationship in case that sort of hurt and sickness happens again.
Sorry for not posting about my cf but I wanted you guys to understand a bit about me.
Grace xx
