Hey Bloggers,
This post is going to be my most deepest and emotional post yet. I am sorry I haven't posted in a while, feels like I've neglected this a little bit but my health, college and social life has taken over! I've been on a very long and complicated journey over the last few months, health wise and emotional wise. I am going to start off by talking a little bit about my expression of emotions and letting people in, which I am sure that lots of people with my complicated health condition will understand.
I have always kept myself to myself emotion wise because it has always seemed the easier option because I don't like feeling vulnerable to being hurt by peoples cruel comments about my scar, why I can't breathe as well as other people, why I take a while to talk to people when I'm sick so I can catch my breath. It's always been easier because I have never had to answer to anyone, let them see me in pain. I've hidden the true extent of my pain from my friends and family because I just get on with it, I just suck it up and deal with it because I don't like others seeing me suffer, I don't like letting people see me vulnerable. Only recently this has become a struggle to carry on thinking with this state of mind, I realise that if I want to be happy I have to start letting people in. I have the emotions there, I just don't know how to express them in ways that I want too. So over the last few days I have been trying to express my emotions towards people in my family, this is easier than I expected it to be and has given me great satisfaction. Showing these emotions to family is somewhat easier than friends and potential relationships because I've always been known as the tough girl, the girl who gets on with it, but I know this needs to change because it will affect me and affect them in the future. I'm sure others with CF feel like this, I know I'm not the only one.
The next thing I want to talk about is my admission into hospital on Monday. It's not for my chest, but for my stomach. They are finally doing my stomach operation and I am so pleased! no more pain and discomfort when eating and when drinking. I am quite nervous about this procedure because I know its major surgery and I have an irrational fear of ventilators as I have had a few bad experiences on them, but I'll get through it. Always do.
My final topic is national transplant week, this is a close cause to my heart. We need more donors to sign on the list but also for people to tell their families their wishes because even though they are on the list, the family can still refuse to donate the organs. Telling people their wishes is vital for the organ donation cycle to carry on. Four years ago next march someone saved my life, they've given me a lease of life, a second chance. You don't know how poorly you are until you feel better, the waiting and the agonising thoughts about whether you are going to live or die is horrible, torturing in fact. I am one of the lucky ones who got their organs but so many people die on the list, lives that could of indeed been saved. Wales has an op-out system, I think this needs to come into force in this country because it will save so many more lives, but until then, please sign the register, become a life saver. Don't waste your organs when someone in this country is crying out for them.
Thanks for reading everyone :)
Gracie xx
